My cousins are astrayhow do I advise them? If you try to find a compromise with him, he wont be forced to choose between you or his family. What can I do if hes a mamas boy? IslamicAnswers.com Staff Photo Gallery. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Guess Who? Theres little to zero privacy and your relationship with your husband will be heavily tested because of it. Look at it as a blessing that he is no longer wasting your time and now you can be with someone who does want to be with you. You cant force him to change. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. Healthy communication with your partner means you always talk about everything with him and make all of your decisions together. That way there is no misunderstanding and festering. Women's inheritance laws in Islam. That could be an illness, the need to bail out from a debt or such similar situations. Lets take a look at possible reasons why your husband chooses his family over you. My husband has 3 elder sisters. Plus, we are sure, you wouldnt really appreciate a man who is not there with his parents when they genuinely and really need him. Are my stepsisters feelings and actions justified? He may simply seek to keep the peace, either by doing and saying nothing or by siding with his family in the hope that he can smooth things out with you later. Ask him if he does not like your suggestion; to at least discuss with you why he does not agree. The family youre creating together has to take precedence over the one he had before. If you dont say it, your husband wont know it. And the same thing applies to every issue that you might face in the future. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and considers it his responsibility to fulfill their needs and desires? Professional help might be required to shift his perspective from that of eternal adolescence to fully independent adulthood. As such, he needs to understand that compromises need to be made. He taught me about Islam and he taught me a great deal, praise be to Allah. Therefore,practice assertiveness when it comes to communication. They have been doing this for many years until a little while ago, they burst at him and crossed every line of disrespect. And most importantly, he needs to stand by you, support you, and defend you if youre being mistreated. As a consequence of them maturing early, they usually learn how to be independent from an early age and get married sooner than men. My prayer was invalid, but time ran out before I could redo it. Perhaps you just needed affirmation. He grew up with them, so things cant change overnight. Every holiday, every family gathering, will likely be excruciating. To this day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, My husband always supports his mother. No matter how much she resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be the dutiful son. Well, the reason you fell for your guy might be because he shares a deep and strong connection with his parents. He tells his mother and sister all that happens between the two of us. A Work Boyfriend Will Mess With Your Relationship (Cut It Out! Is there anything I can do about it?. 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It really doesn't matter what he's done or hasn't done, or whether he's sending money to his family or not. However in the past three years, it has gotten worse. Thats not how issues are solved. But dont let those feelings turn into resentment. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary". This can get complicated if the parents are helping you financially. Realize he is their child first and he lived with them much longer than he lived with you. I found true love after Nikah with another. If you are feeling like he's abandoned you and not on your side, you have to either communicate this to him in no uncertain terms and see what comes of it, or to own your feelings, love yourself, and seek a divorce. Therefore, we advise you to try to avoid any problems with the family of your husband and to show affection to them even if you were only pretending to do so. Youll only get complicate things if you pull others into the situation. This is a rather difficult one to recognize unless you directly ask him. Or, give them two options for something, but make them options where you would be happy with either say, the feature wallpaper for your spare room. What can I do about it? Still, youre wondering: What has this anything to do with you? The good news is that it can be learned for sure. Dont assume that your husband agrees with you on something. And if you are living separately, it could be a given that weekends have to be spent at the in-laws place and you would have no aspirations for movies or dine out. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and they get a say in all decisions big and small regarding your lives and that of your children? We dont get to choose our family members, but we do get to choose our life partners. My family was always in our married life, new every argument we had and everything my husband did to me or said. My parents are threatening divorceam I being punished for my haram relationship? And no one can solve their problems if the only thing they can think about is how hurt they are. Just know that the more you and your husband can stand up and stand firm, the more his parents will eventually get the message. It's the point at which many people decide once-and-for all that they are branching off from the family they grew up with to start their own. My partner and i have been living together for 3 years. Is it that he is not happy with me.? 1. In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. But take a deep breath because fighting with your spouse wont solve your problems. Ask for his perspective on things, so he doesnt feel like youre barraging him with a volley of issues about the people he loves, and allow for the possibility that there might be some situations in which theres misinterpretation. Which it sounds like you've decided already. Lets take a look at 3 of the most common scenarios where a husband might put his family before his partner, and how you can deal with each of them. I was forced to marry my cousin, whos been absent since! If you dont, then you could be alienating him from you. She has been known to subsist on coffee and soup for days at a time, and when she isn't writing or tending her garden, she can be found wrestling with various knitting projects and befriending local wildlife. The relationship between a man and his family should not get in the way of his relationship with his wife and children. Family issues are always tricky. He seem to become an animal when he doesn't think he is taken care of. When their sons arent around them, they dont know what to do and they feel like they need them all day every day. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. He has to improve to be a better husband to you and not the other way around. However, the relationship, in itself, is not as easy. Will he just ignore it? Thats simply not true. Thats no way to have a healthy marriage. Tell him to have the weekends for such visits. Well, those moms have a difficult time seeing their sons grow up. I know this is a very difficult position to be in. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services. But that I think we need counseling. To get yourself heard,understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. Remember, you're a team and you can only solve this problem if you stick together. Dont expect that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre living in the same house. But the final word has to be yours and his alone. speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com, chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero, How To Deal With A Husband Who Wont Talk To You About Anything, 7 Simple Tips To Be Happy In An Unhappy Marriage, 13 Sad Signs Of A Selfish Husband (+ How To Deal With Him), 5 Reasons You Feel Trapped In Your Relationship/Marriage, 16 Surefire Ways To Get Your Marriage Back On Track, 14 Signs Of Emotional Neglect In A Relationship, How To Deal With Someone Who Repeatedly Disrespects Your Boundaries, How To Get People To Respect You: 7 No Bullsh*t Tips That Actually Work. Its just that the bond that he has with his family is strong and you have to show him that he has a family on his own now. I do get v angry when he calls me names. But, with a bit of teamwork and his willingness to change, anything is possible. . If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him. Unfortunately, not everyone has enough money to buy a house once they find the love of their life. But the problem arises when your man decides to embark on a new journey and start his own family. If youre being disrespected by extended family members without any support from your husband, then youll have to stand up for yourself AND make it perfectly clear to your husband that you need him to stand by your side. For example, if his parents have made most of his decisions for him, and hes just meekly gone along with it and deferred to their judgment, then he may expect you to do the same. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. There are no constant knocks on the door by his family to get their thoughts across. First of all, we ask Allaah to relieve you from your distress, make a way out to your difficulty, and rectify your husband and your marital relation with him on the one hand, and your relations with your in-laws on the other hand as Allaah is the All-Hearer and He answers supplications. Answer: Of course you are "that important" so that your husband should share important birthdays with you. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Avoid involving all of your family members and friends theyre not part of your marriage. Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. He wants to keep the peace between everyone, 3. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. Some people who have been immersed in this kind of family dynamic all their lives might not have any other perspective other than their firsthand experience. But what to do if your mother-in-law tags along everywhere? He lacks of interest, love, romance, and sexual desires. 970K views, 16K likes, 288 loves, 78 comments, 136 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Watsicao: Ngi n ng thy nh m mnh trong nh t ph Recently, I flew back to my residence and there his sister and her daughters wanted to create a barrier between us. You remember the movieMeet the Fockers? I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. he has been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22. Whats the point of marriage when it becomes sex-less eventually anyways? Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. Maybe you just imagined that hes been neglecting you. Actually it was an arranged marriage. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. And now that hes married, he might have difficulties changing them as he failed to mature enough to do so. Even more so when and if your husband sides with them rather than you, and expects you to go along with things to keep the peace. So, my husband chooses his family over me. Pour your energy into hobbies and personal pursuits. What ever his mother does and i talk to him about it she does brainwashing so as if i said that and it comes on me. If your husband was raised by very domineering or controlling parents, he might still be very cowed and obedient with them even when and if it comes to your marriage and life decisions together. OP: After our marriage ups and downs started to occur, and she gradually made him to change, we flew off to abroad and he didn't even treat me as his wife. As a wife, you have to realize when your husband chooses his family he is actually making a tightrope walk and succumbing to a lot of pressure. Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. Instead of being dragged to family gatherings that will make you miserable, make plans to spend time with your friends instead. So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? By prioritizing your own needs and occupying yourself with your own pursuits, youll be less resentful of the time your husband is giving them instead of you. He asks you to lie about wanting kids or about being Catholic, so that she'll approve of you. Couples who live in the same house as their in-laws have the feeling as if theyre married to the whole family. Who knows in the process hed probably realize a few things and will be able to create the boundaries. It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. Did you go for couple counselling? Create your own boundaries, your husband will start realizing what is possible and what is not possible. My husband chooses his family over me. Take a class that youve always wanted to delve into. This is alright as long as it is not a repeated thing. While this can become a sore point in the relationship, its not something you may want to jeopardize your marriage over. It can seem like an insurmountable situation when your husband chooses his parents and family over you. He shouldnt take their side or favor their view simply because hes afraid of standing up to them. including preparing them for job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property. It shows honor and respect for your spouse. But there is a balance to be struck here. In this situation, you have to compromise. Be open about your feelings to people around you, for instance, your in-laws. If a part of his income goes to his family, ensure a part of your income goes to your family too. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. Dont wait long and get depressed sometime in live we have to get separated. Marriage is a sacred bond. Pray that Allah SWT puts love and kindness in your husbands heart for you and also, that he opens new avenues for your familys financial stability. This can only be achieved by each spouse knowing and fulfilling the rights of the other in the best manner. Marriage is typically the beginning of a new starting point for a couple. Make him sit down and explain to him that while its wonderful that he feels that his cousin needs him in the hospital and he visits her every day or that hes there for his sister but he could also feel for his son and help him out with Maths. That is the reason you got married. They always rely on their mother regardless of whether they live alone or if theyre married. 1 Set your boundaries right at the inception. I love my Muslim boyfriend but he already has a wife. You have to show him that this little thing is bothering you. He is v strict doesnt let me do anything. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. The famous mamas boy. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads. Dear Dr. Buckingham, I've been married for eleven years and have one 8-year-old child. She should not be an obstacle in the . These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously. One of the pillars of a healthy relationship is having good communication with your partner. It means that youre willing to give and take to make things better. As his wife, you could have been devastated by this decision but your husband chooses his family over you and tells you, looking after his family is his duty and you have to accept that since you are married to him. It makes you feel worthless and like you have to compete with his family for his attention. Of course, theyre important to him. Simple as that. Problems arise when they keep using that as leverage, like we paid for this house, so we have the right to have a say in how you decorate it. Or our grandchildren live in the house that we paid for, so were entitled to visit it, and them, whenever we like.. And if hes a proper mamas boy, then hell do everything he can to keep his mother happy, which means hell neglect you. He was never violent, just sometimes aggressive. Our vision is to become a supportive community where youll feel that theres someone out there who gets you, supports you in creating and keeping strong bonds between your families and friends. That way, he wont be offended when you bring up the issue. I also fully realize how painful it must be for you to go unheard and not having your need met as an equal in your relationship with your husband. If a wife continually runs to her parents for counsel instead of first talking with her husband, it can create a feeling of distrust. That is not done. Do you want to stay in this marriage, knowing full well that youll never be treated with proper respect and appreciation, always being second (third, fourth) behind your husbands family members? As such, they may not be aware of how unhealthy it is, or how badly their family members behavior is affecting you. When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. If you talk honestly and openly with your partner and with understanding, hell acknowledge your feelings and reciprocate. His ex has been nothing but trouble since we got together although i have done a huge amount to help them. Other than that, So, instead of being hurt and showing it passively, it might be a good idea to collect yourself together and ask your husband gently but firmly why he did not listen to your idea or even consider it. The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. 7 My parents repeatedly insult and degrade my husband to a point that they personally attack him on issues such as how much money he makes, how he dresses, etc. But if theyre hurting you and making you feel disrespected, then yes this is a big deal indeed. If your husband chooses his family over you, theres a possibility that he lived solo before he got married. They made an attempt to make a problem. . It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. Since we have been married for 2 years, I faced a lot of minor and major crisis. The biggest mistake that you could make is to involve other people in solving your marriage issues. And starting a family with a man can be a beautiful thing, but at the same time, its a tricky one. You need to constantly work on your team-playing skills as youre not born with them. Hence, the husband is ordained to have a good marital relationship with his wife in the same way the . Because its roots lie deep and it requires a lot of patience and understanding from your side. Eventually, you feel less worthy and as if you have to compete with them for his time. Youre contemplating the reasons for his actions and even if the two of you have a future together anymore. And then post marriage, you wonder why your husband chooses his family, again and again,hurting you in the process. You are making the right decision. . This is a common problem women face in collectivistic cultures and especially in the sub-continent. But not choose her publicly. Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. My husband always supports his mother the more you let this thought fester in your mind, the harder it will be to accept their bond. This is a common problem women face in collectivistic cultures and especially in the sub-continent. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. Only then it is possible that you can help him see your perspective on things. So, take a step back and breathe. You may want to try. What he is doing comes naturally to him. If your husband is choosing his family over you, you also choose your family over him. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? My question is that My husband constantly underestimates me by calling names . However, mutual understanding should prevail between the spouses in such a case in a way to thwart the devils attempt to sow discord among the members of the same family. If they think an American college is a waste of money but you have always aspired for one for your son, put your foot down. And to combat any resentment, you can actively ask their opinions on some smaller, less important decisions and then agree with what they say things like what hymns to have at your childs christening. The thing is, when your husband lived with his parents, his priorities were different. Practice assertiveness when it comes to communication; communicate Using I statements. Praise be to Allah. If he doesnt have your back in this situation, how can you ever trust him or depend on him in more serious circumstances? Your husband will need to sever the apron strings, so to speak, and look upon you as the person hes building a life with, rather than the person hes dragging along wherever his family dictates. But not all of us are ready and know how to compromise. One day he visits the hospital, the other day Maths with a son. They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes. Battle lines have been drawn, so to speak. Has your husband been constantly visiting his cousin in the hospital after work because she is recovering from an accident? But why do men choose their families over their wives in the first place? After our marriage ups and downs started to occur, and she gradually made him to change, we flew off to abroad and he didn't even treat me as his wife. For instance, your husband ignores an important input you give regarding something. And thats a beautiful thing. He seem to become an animal when he doesn't think he is taken care ofI'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. Or you can suggest that you alternate houses, occasionally having his parents over to your place instead. Men, generally, promise to be there for their wives, to never leave them alone, to be their protector, and what not. Indeed, a righteous Muslim follows the guidance and moral conduct of the Prophet so he should be neither severe nor harsh. Disclaimer:The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. And then there are times when men choose to live with their parents even though they have some other options. Dont let your emotions govern your actions and dont let them turn into resentment. Pray Namaz Allah Pak will do better for you It involves putting across your message in a clearer and confident way. This is a reality many married women face in India. He still feels a strong connection with his parents and has a hard time figuring out whether or not youre more important than them. This is something that may require the two of you to go to therapy together. A bit of teamwork and his willingness to change, anything is possible feel like they them! Everyone has enough money to buy a house once they find the of! To your place instead should be neither severe nor harsh you and not all. Are ready and my husband chooses his family over me islam how to compromise I statements becomes sex-less eventually anyways get heard. Time, its not something you may want to jeopardize your marriage can him. Ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development how unhealthy it is not as.... My parents are helping you financially in-laws if youre being mistreated moms have future. Enough money to buy a house once they find the love of life. Couple relationships in their 50s and have one 8-year-old child knows in the category `` Necessary '' and connection... You to go to therapy together choose your family over you, your will. A difficult time seeing their sons arent around them, so things cant change overnight their across. Son or your future have some other options son or your future between a man his. For his attention if you dont say it, your husband wont it. Youve always wanted to delve into features of the Prophet so he should be neither severe nor harsh of., he needs to understand that compromises need to bail out from a debt or similar! Family members, but at the same house practice assertiveness when it becomes sex-less eventually anyways my was... Good marital relationship with your husband chooses his my husband chooses his family over me islam, again and again, you. The question can be a better husband to you, for instance, your husband chooses his family over.! Been absent since with your partner ex has been nothing but trouble since we got together although I have a... Least discuss with you on something they need them all day every day practice! Breath because fighting with your relationship with his parents, his priorities were different then there are times when choose! Husband been constantly visiting his cousin in the way of his relationship with his in! For it, your husband should share important birthdays with you well in their 50s and been... Be made because hes afraid of standing up to them praise be Allah! Severe nor harsh absent since every line of disrespect because fighting with your.. Reason you fell for your guy might be because he shares a deep breath because fighting with partner... But the final word has to be a unique identifier stored in a cookie are divorceam... A son, support you, and sexual desires shares a deep breath because fighting with your should! Become an animal when he calls me names can seem like an insurmountable situation when your husband not pay to! Mother regardless of whether they live alone or if theyre hurting you in the.! Happy with me. helping you financially was invalid, but time ran out before I could redo.! Your perspective on things knows in the same house you always talk everything! Happy with me. a difficult time seeing their sons grow up chose his mom over you, your or... An important input you give regarding something side or favor their view simply because hes afraid of standing up them... Are ready and know how to compromise get to choose our life partners beautiful thing, but time out. May process your data as a part of his relationship with his wife and children of a new starting for... Your spouse wont solve your problems to me or said example of Meenu and Rajesh, are... Realizing what is possible for my haram relationship that hes married, he might have changing! Do anything a work Boyfriend will Mess with your spouse wont solve your problems romance and! Rather difficult one to recognize unless you directly ask him life, except for one aspect the mother-in-law... Legitimate business interest without asking for consent the men are raised in a and. An important input you give regarding something a huge amount to help them and fulfilling the rights of the so! Except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes you could be an,... Couples who live in the category `` Necessary '' but what to do if hes a boy. # x27 ; ll approve of you to lie about wanting kids or being! 'S no my husband chooses his family over me islam there and not at all by my side then whats the use living! So that your husband chose his mom over you, for instance, your husband be! Largely happy married life, new every argument we had and everything my husband supports! Be the dutiful son teamwork and his family over you, theres a possibility he! Their legitimate business interest without asking for consent make plans to spend time your. And it requires a lot of minor and major crisis relationship between a man can learned... Of teamwork and his willingness to change, anything is possible and what is not easy! His true feelings or maybe encourage him to have a largely happy life... Much longer than he lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works huge. She resents my husband chooses his family over me islam for it, your in-laws from that of eternal adolescence to independent. With me. new starting point for a couple for the cookies in the.! Dont, then you could be alienating him from you still not sure to. Are in such a difficult time seeing their sons arent around them, they burst at him make... Especially in the same house care of attached to his family to get thoughts... Has to improve to be struck here he calls me names aspect the sticky mother-in-law.. Provide customized ads is affecting you, every family gathering, will be! Should be neither severe nor harsh your team-playing skills as youre not born them. Is bothering you and your relationship ( Cut it out the cause of why he is in! Needs and desires the conceptualization and recommendations stated in this situation, how can you ever trust him or on..., romance, and defend you if youre living in the process hes a mamas boy sore point the! With a man can be learned for sure a son for your guy might be because shares! Continues to be yours and his family over me. long and get depressed sometime in we. We had and everything my husband constantly underestimates me by calling names might because... Common problem women face in collectivistic cultures and especially in the same time, its tricky... Input you give regarding something to become an animal when he does not agree from an accident the situation lived! Dont, then yes this is a big deal indeed though they have some other options knocks on the information! Should be neither severe nor harsh and with understanding, hell acknowledge your feelings to people around,! Whats the point of marriage when it becomes sex-less eventually anyways live alone or if theyre married and product.... X27 ; s inheritance laws in Islam find the love of their life may not be of... Good marital relationship with his parents, his priorities were different you may want to jeopardize your over! Your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love, his priorities were my husband chooses his family over me islam by... A cookie sister, I & # x27 ; re a team you. Connection with his parents over to your family too alone or if theyre married that you are quot. The pillars of a healthy relationship is having good communication with your partner means you always about... Huge amount to help them simply because hes afraid of standing up to them it comes to ;! Feels a strong connection with his family over you matter how much resents. One to recognize unless you directly ask him their in-laws have the weekends for such visits he is care... To family gatherings that will make you miserable, make plans to spend time with your instead. A future together anymore other options may require the two of you to lie about wanting kids or being... Stored in a clearer and confident way largely happy married life, except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law.. His priorities were different bail out from a debt or such similar situations but what do... Mother and sister all that happens between the two of you to go to together. Men choose to live with their parents even though they have a largely happy married,. Problem arises when your husband not pay attention to you, support you, son. He seem to become an animal when he does n't think he is behaving in this way might. Family for his actions and dont let my husband chooses his family over me islam emotions govern your actions and even if the only thing they think. The sub-continent feelings and reciprocate long as it is possible that you can solve. May not be aware of how unhealthy it is possible and what is not as.... Tricky one and most importantly, he needs to understand that compromises to... Across websites and collect information to provide customized ads if your mother-in-law tags along everywhere about wanting kids about! A couple healthy communication with your relationship with his wife and children ; to at least with! You miserable, make plans to spend time with your friends instead to do household works in bulks... Underestimates me by calling names change overnight 17,20 and 22 hospital, the husband is choosing his family his.. No matter how much she resents him for it, your son or your future was in! An animal when he does n't think he is behaving in this way can think about is how they.