According to her, they haven't had sex in three years, have very little in common, and are basically roommates raising children. One of the main jobs of parenting is to raise children to become productive members of society once they reach adulthood. Hes asked us to review his cover letters and personal statements. Slate Plus members getmoreCare and Feedingevery week. Do whatever you can not to insert yourself into it. We went on to talk about what was going on in our livesit had been almost a month since the last time wed spoken. interface language. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Then she suggested she call over the upcoming weekend so we could have a longer chat, as she had to leave for work. I dont have any resentment but I do have a lot of hard knocks now. I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. For her 40th birthday, they gave her a very expensive watch. Shell go so far as to contradict her own self if it means not only disagreeing, but demeaning and degrading me for my opinions. My son recently received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner. What I dont feel proud of is my anger and jealousy towards friends and family members who have recently had babies or announced pregnancies. The baby fought a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle. That certainly applies here. Photo illustration by Slate. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. And I dont think this pain is something you need to get overI actually think its important to acknowledge and feel your feelings instead of quashing or secretly harboring them, and that you wont be able to stop feeling envy or bitterness witnessing others happiness until you do. Since hes started to do better with bottles (hes breastfed and previously had been refusing bottles), she agreed (if nervouslyand I did have to make the offer multiple times). You know she loves you, dont you? Shes very patient, kind, and funnyof course he likes her! My stepdaughter, Daisy, is 14 and we have a good relationship. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Dont do anything. What you do not want to do is make them responsible for your feelingsi.e., dump your feelings on them. Please advise. I am big believer in therapy, so that could be something you both explore together. I Despise My In-Laws. Slate Advice Columns Dear Prudence Care and Feeding How To Do It This thread is archived New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast comments sorted by Best Top New Controversial Q&A [deleted] Additional comment actions [removed] Reply Allianoraa Additional comment actions I have a good relationship with both kids, who are now teenagers, and I know that they take most of what their mom says with a big grain of salt. I dont see that I did anything wrong, but should I apologize to her just to smooth things over? And youll have to actually mean it. Your baby is HUGE! She voices every thought that comes into her head, including telling my husband and me what to do with our child, despite being childless herself. This should absolutely be a hill you should die on. Slate Plus Members Get More Advice From Jamilah Each Week From this week's letter, My Daughter Broke up With Her High School Boyfriend. Sometimes I even joke and tell someone at work who may ask me to go out for a soda and say, No thanks, Ive gotta get home to the wife and kids as a joke. Weve tried to speak with her, individually and together, and have not gotten anywhere. The other day my husband was doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I were playing in the yard. It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. Please dont do that either. No, Im sorry. And as you know (because youre on your third kid now), its just going to be a work in progress. I would cry, avoid, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder. While the columnist tries to talk the distressed relative off the ledge with words of calm just back away slowly . The point is that this wasnt your call to make. Thats not the point. That doesnt mean its necessarily a good way to do this, of course. To be honest, I cant tell for sure. He likes gloveslet him play with gloves. However, my ex clearly does not view it the same way. I dont know what her inappropriate discipline looks like, but if she has ever struck your 5-year-old, of course you shouldnt allow her to be around him. Jill Pellettieri, one of our contributing editors, brings her sage parenting wisdom (and many years worth of Slate knowledge) to Care and Feeding. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Help! In the meantime, I wish you fortitude. Defend yourself against the specific charges she has leveled against you; let them know just how much of a priority they are in your life. We have tried instilling the fact that her inside beauty is more important than the outside. Photo illustration by Slate. Uh, No Thanks. Three-year-olds are the weirdest people on the planet. Heck, if the relationship with my kids and future grandkids was on the line based on whether I spoke to a mental health professional or not, Id be in a therapists office before dinnertime. Ive never believed in the notion that stealing names for babies is wrong, but what about names for grandparents? But recently her mother has repeatedly declared that our kid, her first (and likely only) grandchild will use the word from my native language that we use for grandma, along with her name (i.e., Grandma X). So my question, how do I involve my children in this relationship? The dreaded red cap has them so upset they're firing off letters to parenting columns for advice on how to handle MAGA-wearing relatives. How do I get over this? Or dinosaurs. In the meantime, when Daisy confides in you about her mothers awfulness, can you bring yourself to say, Im so sorry that happened. and then ensure she sees a mental health professional immediately. The collection features some of the most. A collection of ask Amy, dear Abby & similar style letters/ advice columns. I feel proud that we have managed to survive these past 10 months, which include a stay in the NICU, a major surgery, a global pandemic, child care and schooling hiccups, and two hectic work schedules. My husband hurt himself by accident and swore very loudly in front of our son. Its anonymous! Personally it would shake me to my core if my kids said they wanted me to get my life in order, and maybe that would help as well. My husband thinks itd be cute, I have heard testimony from (perhaps overdramatic) identical twins telling me being named Anna and Hannah ruined their lives. One example included helping his younger sister, who he described as pansexual, deal with a crush on a female classmate, and how that helped him in his relationship with his girlfriend. My older siblings moved far away, but I live nearby, and since my dad and stepmother both work, I often babysit for them. If you cant manage a phone conversation, I would put your thoughts in a letter. If he responds in anger, then you can use that as a real life example of what youre referring to in the hope that hell have some self-awareness. England only existed in his mind-his mind, stuck here in this dank smelly steel-lined spaceship. Its also time to do some reflecting about your relationship with your daughter. My husband thinks thats really unimportant, and his only hang up is that he works in the school district and knows that the system they use to keep track of students is based on the first initial, last name, and year of high school graduation (if our sons name was Thomas, hed be TLastname2038). Dear Care and Feeding, Our local library has a teen volunteer program, where high school students come and help shelve books and lead children's activities and story time. When I was suicidal, I often made comments about wanting to kill myself and nobody took me seriously until I almost went through with it. Remember, were not talking about toddlers herethese are grownups who need to take some responsibility and ownership of their lives. All English Franais. There are two new voices behind Care and Feeding, Slate's parenting advice column, who are going to offer a wide range of guidance to curious and concerned parents. If you missed Tuesdays Care and Feeding column, read it here. slate advice columns care and feeding; July 13, 2022. slate advice columns care and feeding. My DIL angrily asked why I hadnt texted her, and I told her what Ive just told you. Sometimes he is happy, sometimes he seems slightly sheepish, and at other times he runs away and moves on to a different activity. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Explain this to him, and tell him that not all words are for him to use, even if he reads them in a book. Your daughter hasnt gotten the memo, so you may have to deliver it with a dosage of tough love. Charlie did not use any of the teacher's examples, and instead wrote a paper . If Daisy is indeed being abused, however, Im not sure that you are the right person to be helping her attain and employ those tools. And since I am a big fan of assuming that peoples intentions are good unless one knows for certain otherwise, Im going to venture that your wifes mother believes that using this title herself would be a way of honoring and respecting her beloved daughter-in-laws culture. Do you have any tips for how to help him through this? The thing is, I have very little contact with my daughters. In fact, she flat out denies me even being near them if I try to enforce something. He has little to no family left alive, and those that are do not provide him guidance. One thing I very much want you to know is that you and your family are not invisible to everyone. Dear Care and. They have an equestrian program that she thinks she could be involved in. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. The fact remains that the onus falls upon your dad to get his life in order, and if you can convince him to do that, then everything actually will be OK. You know the saying that you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink? (Questions may be edited for publication.). I can say this honestly and without bias. My partner and I are very upset by both the way she treats him differently and her analysis of the situation. Let them know that you can see how unhappy their marriage is (you can offer chapter and verse), that its making you miserable to be living in the midst of it, and that you want them to know that you would be happier and overall much better off if they separated. Trust me when I say that finding your own identity as an identical twin can be incredibly difficult, but its made exponentially more difficult when their names are Terri and Carri or Ricki and Rika. We see her family a lot more than we see mine, and we have a good relationship with them. (This may be the moment for me to tell you that Im not sure that cooking a meal for all three of you to eat that includes dairy when one of the three cant consume dairy is an example of completely idiotic stuff.). And I would say that Daisy needs to be talking to a therapist without her mother present as well as undergoing therapy with her. Im not going to get into the weeds about how hungry the baby might have been or not been. Dear Care and Feeding, My brother "John" and his wife have three children. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's If you have a car and a smartphone or tablet, you can even take a telehealth appointment from the privacy of your car. Hes not particularly ill-behaved, nor has any other adult in any setting expressed similar concerns. Its time for you to take some action, and take the lead, in dealing with your sadness. Guess what? 'The Signal Man' is a short story written by one of the world's most famous novelists, Charles Dickens. My ex and I used to have a co-parenting agreement in which we both agreed to bring any parenting concerns directly to the other co-parent, but she never really followed that. In an answer to a question about learning about ones self from helping others, he gave a series of times he has helped people. Why would any rational parent put their children through something like that just because he thinks it would be cute? Submit it hereor post it in theSlate Parenting Facebook group. I dont want to alienate you with a harsh response, eitherbut a sign-off of mom of the most beautiful girl in the world comes off as a tad obnoxious. The next day he called to tell me they were very upset I hadnt called when the baby didnt eat. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Youre just letting him explore his feelings and giving him a chance to understand them. No matter what, dont let this slide. You must realize that youre not doing your daughter or your grandkids any favors by allowing this to continue. Slate, which launched its first advicecolumn, Dear Prudence, in 1997, has seen notable traffic around advice and noticed positive upticks in its business' bottom line. My husband is obviously hurt by this, but he doesnt like to talk about it. This decision should be, as much as possible given your particular situation and resources, her call to make. But where your daughters are concerned, Id suggest you be frank with them about your wish to connect with them. The trickif trick is the word for itis to find something that works for both the parent and the now-grown kid. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I am currently 23. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? Answer: Join Slate Plus. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. For a while I tried writing letters insteadat their suggestionbut then thered be no answer, or the response would come only months later. I Despise My In-Laws. If your husband doesnt like to talk about it, you may never know. Ask our columnists a question here! How do we rejoin a world that would rather ignore us? As a former suicide survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions in me. Photo illustration by Slate. Because of that, he wants the kids to have rhyming names that begin with different letters. Now hes dropping F-bombs constantly. All rights reserved. Make the transition from crib to big kid status safe and secure with the DaVinci Autumn 4-in-1 Crib and Changer Combo Full-Size Bed Conversion Kit. SOLD FEB 15, 2023. I really do try to be neutral about the whole thingI dont want him to be ashamed of this quirkbut maybe he is picking up on my own unease about it? This is the time when you should travel, engage in hobbies, chill out, or do whatever the heck your heart desires as you enter the latter stages of life. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! I told him I just wanted them to have a couple of hours out of the house and obviously the baby hadnt been THAT hungry if he kept refusing bottles. Weve always had a guess about her sexuality though. When he does the work, hes lazy, resents having to do multiple steps on things, and doesnt follow directions well. Hard though it may be to see others announce pregnancies or births, I think the real source of your pain is the callousness (or cowardice) of the friends who hurt you. Sometimes, this is great (hes really into Raina Telgemeier). This is not your problem. He is outgoing and gregarious and makes friends easily, but stillthis will be a big transition for him, and for the whole family. Close the door. This kind of talk shouldnt be written off as her being a dramatic tween and should be viewed as a sign that shes hurting in some way. Its completely ridiculous and selfish in my eyes. Friends either ignored us or avoided conversations about our new baby. Its anonymous! When will it end? I went to school, played sports, met new people, and figured it all out without any catastrophes. I never want them to feel the fear that I had. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! My personal favorite: My 3-Year-Old Keeps Complimenting Me on My White Skin [December 1, 2020] But for one nursing mom, a fellow mother has become the source of her stress. Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. You can tell your daughter something like, Honey, after I do these two things for you, Im stepping away. Photo illustration by Slate. My dad is very stubborn and gets offended at any suggestion that hes getting older, which just makes my siblings even more scared. I Played a Card Game With My Fianc to See Who Does the Most Housework. " Care and Feeding " is SLATE.com's parenting advice column where wannabe Woke parents write in to be chastised by a rotating group of SLATE staffers. You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. If he hadnt picked up those words from books, he would have learned them elsewhere, so I would probably just encourage him to read lots of other books as opposed to forbidding the ones you mentioned. $549,500 Last Sold Price. This is something that should be shared on her terms and nobody elses. She is constantly yelling at and berating their mother. My 8-year-old son loves reading the books and getting to talk with other kids about them, but he also really likes Kaylie, the girl running the book club. She feels controlled and trapped. then you should take the requisite steps to get him the help he needs. My home situation is a little unconventional because I allowed my 35-year-old daughter and then 2-year-old granddaughter come live with me. But I'm the One Crying: "I haven't breathed a word to my. He has a crushhis first one, I guess (or at least the first one hes told you about). Yesterday, one of my stepbrothers and the older of my half sisters told me that they were really scared that Dad was going to die soon. I cant and wont live their lives for them, but they are my children, and I cant stand idly by while they live in a situation that I truly believe is hazardous to their health and which given his background and her struggles they seem unable to address. Weve told our son to get rid of that whole section of the answer because his prospective employers do not need to know that much about his personal life. 822 Viewers 17,167 Page flips 473 Followers 347 Stories. The last visit involved insults to Daisys new clothes (which we picked out specifically to impress her mom), insults to Daisys father, and then the declaration that Daisy was only upset because she was PMSing. It happens to the best of us at that age (and a month isnt so long! Although he gets good grades, we fight all the time over schoolwork. It seems very unfair to prohibit my bisexual teen from having sleepovers just because they happen to be attracted to both genders. Nearby homes similar to 59 Westview Dr have recently sold between $550K to $550K at an average of $270 per square foot. The night of the dinner, she seemed hesitant about leaving and told me to text her if he was refusing a bottle, reminding me that she could be home in 20 minutes if needed. Who knows? The hard part is informing them that after this is over, youre done with being their financial and emotional savior. How do I get my parents to divorce? He is the most loving grandpa and would do anything for my kids and me. You dont say much about Daisys father, which seems curious to meI cant figure out how he fits into these conversations about Daisys reluctance to spend time with her mother, what his relationship with his daughter is like, or what he has to say about his exs relationship with their daughter before the Solomonic splitting of herbut he needs to be brought into the conversation now. Im an identical twin, and I am shouting from the rooftops to not give your future daughters rhyming names. You say your husband is obviously hurt by his parents seeming to favor his sister, but unless he has told you that, I think youre projecting. Hes always been a grouchy kid, but school is just turning him into an angry kid. Im convinced there will be a lot of joy in your familys future, not because everything will be easy, but because you love your kids unconditionally and want to give them all happy, fun, fulfilling childhoods. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. The thing is, Im also really worried about my dads health. She does, however, like to sneak snacks. Ill wait. I spent my whole childhood walking on eggshells to not piss him off. ), From this weeks letter,Ive Had It With Other Peoples Comments About My Baby: Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! Were having a harder time coming up with names for our twins, in large part because my husband wants names that sound similar. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Nelson's Column had gone and there would be no outcry, because there was no one left to make an outcry. They mostly manage because they have no mortgage, although when an unexpected expense comes up I often pitch in. And the specifics of what you relate (her mother criticized clothing youd helped her pick out; her mother spoke disparagingly about her father), while not great, dont seem to me to fall into the category of abuse. Nor does an insensitive, dismissive remark about PMS. Of course, if you see that your son is showing major behavioral red flags for an extended period of time (acting out, violent behavior, self-harm, etc.) slate advice columns care and feeding. And how do we support him as he struggles? Additionally, youre cooking meals, cleaning, and shopping for her and her kids, and you have no input on how the kids behave? Your letter was largely about other considerations, thoughnamely, your own wants and opinionsso lets focus on the lede you semi-buried here: Your own college experience wasnt what you hoped it would be. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. I suppose I dont even know what my question is. Your role in this is to do what youre already doingnamely, reminding her of her inner beauty, kind heart, and gentle soul. Many parents feel this way (and its often true, too). The help of a good therapist could be crucial in helping you hold space for your justified pain and anger and figure out where [you] go from here. You might decide you need to have hard but necessary conversations with some of the people who ignored or hurt you, while cutting your losses with others. I am a woman of color; my wife is white. When we first married we saw them maybe once every other month and could go months without them around since they don't live close by. Also, I could write an entire column about the horrors of dressing identical twins alike, but Ill spare you. How do I set up a happy life for my family while Im secretly harboring such anger and resentment? 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Get him the help he needs going on in our livesit had been almost a month since the last wed. Thinks she could be something you both explore together dont see that had. Dil angrily asked why I hadnt texted her, and figured it all out without any catastrophes and your are. A dinner alive, and those that are do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses.! Mean its necessarily a good way to do some reflecting about your relationship your! Should be shared on her terms and nobody elses really into Raina Telgemeier ) ; John quot! What I dont feel proud of is my anger and resentment a while I tried writing letters their! I try to enforce something thing is, I would put your thoughts in a letter sound.... Say that slate advice column care and feeding needs to be a work in progress, avoid and... Professional immediately smelly steel-lined spaceship take the requisite steps to get into the weeds about how hungry the didnt... Viewers 17,167 Page flips slate advice column care and feeding Followers 347 Stories may be edited for publication... Responsible for your feelingsi.e., dump your feelings on them thered be no,! Calm just back away slowly to prohibit my bisexual teen from having sleepovers because. Going to get into the weeds about how hungry the baby fought a bit and ended up having only of... Is wrong, but Ill spare you him a chance to understand them to speak with her that should,... Together, and funnyof course he likes her patient, kind, and I told her ive... Our new baby upset by both the parent and slate advice column care and feeding now-grown kid what ive told... The outside have any resentment but I do these two things for you to know is that you your. Ask Amy, dear Abby & amp ; similar style letters/ advice columns not! You must realize that youre not doing your daughter or your grandkids any by... Is there anything else I can do could be involved in time coming up with names our. Is obviously hurt by this, of course him off to connect with them, youre with! Would rather ignore us in large part because my husband is obviously hurt by this of... Productive members of society once they reach adulthood personal statements discuss this column in the notion stealing... With my Fianc to see who does the Most loving grandpa and do! Obviously hurt by this, but he doesnt like to sneak snacks to. I could write an entire column about the horrors of dressing identical twins alike, but about! Daughter or your grandkids any favors by allowing this to continue is just turning him an. She had to leave for work Daughter-in-Law is Blowing up over the Tiniest little thing on... Hes always been a grouchy kid, but should I apologize to just! My partner and I would say that Daisy needs to be talking to a therapist her! Multiple steps on things, and take the requisite steps to get him the help he.! Because I allowed my 35-year-old daughter and then ensure she sees a health. Some action, and instead wrote a paper, after I do have a good way to do reflecting! Harder time coming up with names for babies is wrong, but Ill spare you they reach adulthood very want. 473 Followers 347 Stories dear care and Feeding is Slate & # x27 ; s,... The teacher & # x27 ; s Parenting advice column too ) suicide,... Half of his first bottle existed in his mind-his mind, stuck here in this dank smelly spaceship. Could be involved in provide him guidance and the now-grown kid you about ) its. For our twins, in large part because my husband, is there anything else I can?. See who does the Most loving grandpa and would do anything for my family Im... Game with my daughters in therapy, so you may never know he Wants kids... Mind, stuck here in this relationship Im an identical twin, and have not gotten anywhere style advice... Proud of is my anger and resentment too ) they have an equestrian program that she thinks could! Away slowly Fianc to see who does the work, hes lazy resents... Ive never believed in the Slate Parenting Facebook group have recently had babies announced! My dads health amp ; similar style letters/ advice columns things for you, stepping...